Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I'll read this tomorrow and wonder what got into me.

There's something that people say, when assessing there possessions, or assembling their gratitude. They say they are grateful for their health. I know they mean it when they say it, but they don't really know what they mean when they say it. They don't know that even when they say they don't take it for granted, they do take it for granted. They can't know. I didn't know. You don't know how healthy you were until you aren't. I didn't know. I have been healthy my entire life. I have never had a major illness or operation, never had to even think about taking medications other than thyroid meds. I've never been interested in alcohol or drugs, however mild. It just never occurred to me. I loved being strong and healthy. I loved exercising. I liked to bike and watch my thighs pump the pedals. I felt proud and strong to be so healthy. (oh oh tears) I learned new skills: hiking, kayaking. I learned to load the kayak on my Jeep and I learned to paddle (it's not like a canoe)
The fact that I was otherwise healthy has likely been something that has enabled me to weather this cancer as well as I have.

But something is making me sad. I hear people around me saying they are sick. They are weak, or they are old, or they can't do something.

Over the last 2 weeks, because of the combination of undergoing a recent chemo treatment, developing dangerously high glucose levels, adding insulin to my body to counteract that, having 50% strength in my entire body, having 75% lower strength in my legs, having found myself on several occasions literally being unable to rise to a standing position (not too tired, not just weak, but physically unable to do it) I was slammed with a new sledgehammer. I understood what not having your health really means.

I would trade anyone their difficulties. (though I don't wish mine on them) They vary, I"m sure, some more serious and debilitating than others, but unless your doctors have used the "T" word (which I don't allow to be used around me by the way, so don't even think of it) then you are better off than I am, and I would take yours on and deal with the consequences.

I have a new view and new attitude on what is sick, what is old, and on what is health. I used to love that I was youthful in appearance, and didn't want to get old, or be a grandma any time soon. I hear people complain about white hair or wrinkles, and now I WANT them, I find true beauty in lovely old women with beautiful wrinkles and lovely white hair. (I didn't say I was going to stop dyiing mine!) ha ha But I find beauty in longevity, particularly when the aging is handled with grace.

I'd love to age. To NOT age means less time. More time, more age, more life to enjoy. The key is to find what you need to find in order to enjoy what you have, be truly grateful for you health, and not to take for granted life, health, family, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands, sons, daughters, pets, trees...... you get the picture....

I see people not loving other people
I see people not realizing their health
I see people forgetting to hug goodbye
I see people telling themselves they aren't important

all things I've done myself
I just see them now

Forgive all the typos, I don't have energy to find or correct them.

I have had a very good day, feeling the best I have since chemo, and I anticipate it only getting better.

Life ain't easy, it's a job. I won't retire til they make me.


At 12:05 AM, Blogger Lynda said...

Very well said. I complain about some things, but it is nothing like what you are having to go through or what my sister went through.

I have never understood why women want to be perpetually 29 years old. I love that I get another year older. It is just a number after all.

At 12:49 AM, Anonymous karen said...

this is beautiful and inspirational, lynne, and i couldn't agree more. i love being able to come here in the middle of the night to check on you and i appreciate all the thought and effort you put into this blog.

i hope you are feeling better and stronger every day.

love you,


At 7:35 AM, Blogger Lynne said...

I want to reassure people that I am not referring to those who mention problems, they have every right to do so, and each small problem can become large ones...

I am more concerned with people not living their lives fully, and believing that the problems they do have need to stop them from living their lives fully.
My sadness is not that "my sickness is better/worse than your sickness", but that people are not realizing how fortunate they are, and how they need to look at their lives and be grateful, be happy, live fully, and not forget what a gift life is.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Lynda said...

When I first read your post, and now with your comment, it made me think of my grandma and how she talks about the "old people" in her park. She says they complain about their aches and pains, and they are in their 70's, younger than her. But she calls them the "old people".

She is going to be 85 this year and she still gardens, mows her lawn and lives on her own. I want to be like her.

BTW, I couldn't help but mention you again on Laurianne's Hope. lol. Your post came at the perfect time because Laurianne's anniversary of her diagnosis was today.

I hope you are doing ok, and I think about you a lot.

At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Marsh said...

beautifully written, as usual. Thanks for the advice to us all. Love, Marsha

At 1:08 PM, Anonymous karen said...

i think i understand, lynne, about your appreciation for some of the things we take for granted. i think the irony is is that we CAN'T really appreciate things the way you can until we have experienced what you have. we can understand intellectually what you are saying, and i think it helps us to hear it and be reminded, but you do have a unique perspective having been through all you have recently. i pray that you will continue to have better and better days...thinking of you as always.



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