Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Holding together

I had a checkup to evaluate the diabetes, and so far so good. I'm being weaned off steroids, so that complicates things, but he thought my glucose numbers were reasonable (though not good yet) for the situation, and I will be seen in another week.

I feel terrible. In the morning when the numbers are the lowest, I am fairly energetic, meaning I cal walk with crutches and move to a standing position fairly easily, but as the day wears on I become increasingly week, so that by this time of night, I am barely able to get the motion going to stand. It may sound like exaggeration, but believe me, it is not.

I can only assume that 1) chemo 2) diabetes 3) off steroid 4) on insulin 5) change in 1 other medication are to blame, and I hope that my body is strong enough to handle it. I wish I had someone here to monitor me, help me think (high glucose causes confusion and disorientation). Let's just say I'm happy when I wake up in the morning.

but now it's time to collapse into bed

(and look out the window at the fancy fireworks things that are around the Capitol Building. I think they made them special, for Memorial Day, to look like fireworks. Oh, wait, that's just Lynne looking at normal lights with her glasses off, imagining the big giant fireworks lights.) (Yep, I thought that.) But it seemed real. And logical. Til the next day.

Monday, May 29, 2006

I'm surving the weekend

still feeling lousy, but managing I guess

Not any energy for blogging. I will when I can.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Life is like a bowl of...........

We've heard life is like a bowl of cherries......
I'm thinking more like a bowl of spaghetti.... the long, thin kind


I'm still adjusting to:

Chemo treatment
Reduction of steroids quickly
New meds, off old meds

Learning to monitor my blood glucose
Giving myself insulin

and how all of these things make me feel (awful)

But the #s are in an 'ok' range for the time being

My plan: watch tv, nap, watch movies, nap


but no more ice cream, popsicles, pop or any of that stuff that I'd been craving (because my body was all out of whack)
and I don't even want any, the thought of them makes me sick

learning to balance foods, and eat in a healthy fashion
which is a pretty good plan for all, huh

Saturday, May 27, 2006

A little more info:

CT report was a good report, in that nothing new has shown up, and that is a major good thing!


However, I have developed Diabetes from taking the steroid. My blood glucose levels were extremely high, and I was instructed on testing my sugar and giving myself insulen. The plan is to get off the steroid and get back to normal, and that will be a processs over the next days and weeks.

I'm a little out of it, my body is trying to adjust, and I'm taking it easy.

Send me lots of 'good, good, good vibrations". To quote the Beach Boys.

Friday, May 26, 2006

for those waiting with bated breath

does that mean fishy?



the CT showed no progression of disease, so I'll continue the current drug

YAY!!!

have other issues to deal with, which I'll tell you about tomorrow


quite an eventful day

In my dreams

It's funny, I composed a brilliant blog post while sleeping last night. I think I might even have proclaimed it outloud in my sleep. I know the dog was sitting up and listening to me intently. I think he too, thought it was brillant. Of course he thinks everything I say or do is brillant. I know he listens to every word I say.

Too bad, I wonder what I said.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Confession

Ok, some of you alrealdy know, but I've watched every single American Idol episode this season. From the grueling (and most fun) auditions. It is always amazing that people who try out, and are absolutely horrible, do not know that they are horrible. In some cases, I think family members should work harder at convincing them they are not good. But, that's what makes good TV. They want the bad ones, because it is fun. All the comments by the judges, they are encouraged to be honest (Randy), kind (Paula) and mean and honest (Simon). It's part of the game.

I'm going on and on like this is important in the larger scheme of things. It isn't. But it's fun. And fun is good. Laughter is crucial. I was thinking of renting some funny movies, I'm asking for a list of favorites. Let me know what makes you laugh out loud, that's what I'm looking for. I like old movies, new movies, obscure movies, unknown movies..... just make'em funny. Trouble is, it isn't fun watching alone.

So, the question is now, is what am I going to do on Tuesday and Wednesday nights in stead of Am Idol? I guess I'll give "So You Think You Can Dance" a try. Other problem is "Top Chef" also ended. What is coming next, anyone know? Karen? I may be stuck with the reruns of last year's annoying show "Blow Out" with that Jonathan hair-cutter guy. He's a trip. A trip of his own. I didn't get into the invention show at all. I don't really like the 'how-to" cooking shows. Especiallly not those high tension competition ones. I don't mind Rachel Ray sometimes, but she is so cute it's annoying. I can't stand the blond who makes stuff out of Twinkies and mixes, and I am soooooooo anoyed with that Giada chick!!! Oh my gosh, shut your stupid lips over those stupid grinning teeth. I guess I like watching Lydia the best, she teaches how to make what look like delicious traditional Italian dishes (eye-talian, Karen), and I always wish I could taste them.

Not that big of a confession, but it's all you're getting.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Observe ME

I should add more observations about myself, that pertains to the blog a couple weeks back about family.


I am the biggest screwup of all, you know. i've made enough mistakes for all of us combined. I should perhaps have been harsher on myself. I apologize if I came across as a know-it-all, or made adsumptions or observations that offended anyone.

sigh

I love my sisters and brother. I love my family. I am working on loving myself. That's the hard one. I can't forgive myself, and now I've added another thing to work on. Great. I'm sick of 'lessons'. I've done my fair share of working on things. I need a break.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The Full Article, in case the FreePress link doesn't work.

Article:

At least 12 people died in 24 hours Thursday and Friday in Wayne County from a potent prescription drug mixed with heroin and cocaine, said officials who expect more deaths over the weekend.
Officials issued an alert late Friday, saying they feared drug dealers were adding fentanyl, a powerful drug prescribed to cancer patients, to heroin and cocaine to boost the high for their customers. The victims ranged in age from 20 to 45 and were found in crack houses and on the streets in Detroit, Dearborn Heights, Lincoln Park, Redford and Westland. Eight deaths were reported Friday and four on Thursday, mostly from a heroin-fentanyl mix. Names of victims were not released. Hospitals and authorities in Oakland and Macomb counties reported no similar deaths.
Fentanyl is supposed to be used only by those suffering from around-the-clock pain. If consumed in large amounts, it can cause breathing problems, possibly fatal, according to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.
Like heroin, fentanyl can act as a strong sedative, giving users a drowsy high. But it's potentially more dangerous. Last year, the FDA issued a public warning about inappropriate use of the prescription drug.
From September through March, the Wayne County Medical Examiner's Office confirmed 106 drug deaths, the majority linked to combinations of fentanyl and heroin. But the increase in deaths Thursday and Friday prompted county and state officials to announce a health alert Friday.
Officials from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta are headed to Wayne County on Monday to assess the problem, said Wayne County Executive Robert Ficano.
"We are not trying to have panic, but this is a very serious public health issue," Ficano said Friday. "The dramatic spike within the past 24 hours shows that there's a very lethal amount that is being distributed on the street at this very moment."
T.J. Bucholz, spokesman for the state Department of Community Health, said the CDC is interested in Detroit's cases because of similar events reported in other cities.
The CDC is particularly interested in whether the Detroit drugs may have come from Chicago, where there have been reports of fentanyl-laced heroin causing overdoses and death, Bucholz said.
Similar outbreaks of deaths linked to mixtures of fentanyl and heroin were reported last weekend in the Philadelphia area.
Last weekend, 22 people went to Chicago hospitals after overdosing on the fentanyl-heroin mix.
Two CDC officials said Friday they were unaware the agency was sending investigators to Detroit. The CDC typically does not investigate Fentanyl-related deaths.
"We have no information about CDC being asked to investigate," said agency spokeswoman Bernadette Burden. Oakland County Medical Examiner Ljubisa Dragovic called the Wayne County deaths "significant" and said they could indicate people were getting their drugs from the same source.
"That calls for looking at the location" of the victims, "whether they were from the same neighborhood or dope house to see if there is any geographic pattern. Then you would have to focus on the suppliers."
Ficano and Chief Wayne County Medical Examiner Carl Schmidt said there is a good chance that street dealers don't know what fatal mixture lies in the drug packages they are selling. Schmidt said victims are injecting or snorting the drugs.
Area hospitals, law enforcement agencies and EMS networks have been notified of the drug crisis.
"Drug use does dramatically go up on the weekends, both recreational and those of addiction," Ficano said. "From what I understand it's almost an instantaneous death when you take it with the combination."
Ficano said he's also concerned that people who injected drugs could be lying dead, undiscovered, in crack houses or drug dens. Michele Reid, Wayne County's medical director of mental health services, said there is treatment for people who overdose on the drug if they get to an emergency room immediately.
Those who take the drug mixture may notice extreme euphoria followed by difficulty walking, or a deep slumber accompanied by heavy snoring, she said.
Major dealers may be cutting the drugs with fentanyl to give their product a better boost.
"It's competitive," Ficano said. "They can brag that they have the substance that gives you a better high. It's capitalism."
Fentanyl, first made in Belgium in the late 1950s, can be about 80 times more powerful than morphine, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration.
Today the potent prescription painkiller is dispensed in the form of a patch, say federal officials.
In 2003, the last year for available U.S. figures, there were 418 deaths in Wayne, Macomb and Oakland counties from opiates, a drug category that includes Fentanyl, other prescription drugs like OxyContin and heroin. Out of those 418 deaths, 72 were from heroin. One variation of fentanyl is sometimes known as China White, according to medical experts.
A national health official said the number of deaths in Detroit is high.
"That's a lot," said Leah Young, spokeswoman for the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Additional Warning Info from FreePress Article
(this stuff I didn't know when I lay in my bed feeling as if my breathing might stop)


BY BEN SCHMITT, KIM NORRIS and NIRAJ WARIKOO
FREE PRESS STAFF WRITERS
Related links:
• More information: http://www.usdoj.gov/ dea/concern/ fentanyl.html
Fentanyl facts
What it is: The painkiller can be about 80 times more powerful than morphine.

Legal use: It's a prescription drug often used for chronic pain, especially for cancer patients.

Illegal use: It is mixed with heroin, or with heroin and cocaine.

If you develop adverse effects: Call your doctor or emergency officials. Report problems with fentanyl to the Food and Drug Administration at 301-443-1240, 24 hours a day. Or call 800-332-1088.

Signs of an overdose: Labored or shallow breathing, extreme sleepiness or sedation, difficulty walking or talking, and feeling faint, dizzy and confused.

Niraj Warikoo
FENTANYL
(Oral transmucosal fentanyl citrate)

• A product of Cephalon Inc. (145 Brandywine Parkway, West Chester, PA 19380 | 800-896-5855)

• Sold as Actiq® pronounced ac (like "back") tek (like "Beck")

• (from the 'warning label' section of the Actiq® label)

Actiq® is indicated only for the management of break-through cancer pain in patients with malignancies who are already receiving and who are tolerant to opioid therapy for their underlying persistent cancer pain.

Patents considered opioid tolerant are those who are taking at least 60 mg morphine/day, 50 mcg transdermal fentanyl/hour, or an equianalgesic dose of another opioid for a week or longer.

Because life-threatening hypoventilation could occur at any dose in patients not taking chronic opiates, Actiq is contraindicated in the management of acute or postoperative pain. This product must not be used in opioid non-tolerant patients.

Actiq is intended to be used only in the care of cancer patients and only by oncologists and pain specialists who are knowledgeable of and skilled in the use of Schedule II opioids to treat cancer pain.

Patients and their caregivers must be instructed that Actiq contains a medicine in an amount which can be fatal to a child. Patients and their caregivers must be instructed to keep all units out of the reach of children and to discard opened units properly.

SOURCE: Physicians' Desk Reference, 59th edition, 2005 (page 1122)

Detroit FreePress

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060520/NEWS02/605200316/1001/NEWS

WELL

Fentynl is the patch that I had several months ago
that made me so horribly sick and vomit. I got it from
my oncologist, and it is a 3 day patch that is worn for
severe pain. I put it on while riding home from UM
as I was then having a great deal of difficulty with leg and
hip pain.

By that night I was so sick I called the oncologist on
call and asked if I should take it off, and she
recommended not to because my body was adjusting to
it, she said, and often people feel nauseated from it.
I felt better if I lay down, and I recall and feeling as if my
respiration was slowing and I was breathing very
shallowly, but I went bed to sleep and wait it out.
I seriously recall wondering if I'd stop
breathing, as I'd never experienced that before but I
STUPIDLY left it on.

(a good example of when we need to be our own advocate,
and go with our instinct about things, ignore the medical
community, and take matters into our own hands. It is just
such a difficult thing to do because we are taught to
trust they know what to do, and we are not trained in
their profession. As much as I've learned, I obviously
still need to question and question even when they are
annoyed by it)

It was in the morning that Jill came over and I was
vomiting and I ripped that thing off, and of course
things got better.

Good think I didn't mix it with my heroin. (in case
my blog is being monitored, that is just a joke) I
make sure I let all medical people know I'm allergic
to that drug. So none-a-u-all try to slip me any of
that.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Home again

home again, jiggity job


back from A2 and the CT scan, it was uneventful, no results, of course, and the drive was enjoyable on this beautiful sunny day.

Now it's time to prop my feet up to hopefully alleviate some of the ankle swelling, and it is hard to prop your feet above your heart, but I'll try.

I think chocolate ice cream might help.

Early

Saturday morning. It's COLD outside. Geez. 37ˆ, come on!

I'm sipping coffee, having had peanut butter/nutella toast. Just stretching and waking up. I really do have to do my stretches, I've been a little neglectful and it makes a huge difference in how I feel and how I maneuver.

Pogo is waiting to go out, I guess I have to take him. He's being patient, but a dog can only hold it so long!

I guess that's what I need to do. Coat. Gloves. Geez. 37°.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Definitely

Feeling better. Whew! I'm doing much better today, not quite all better, but the drugs are finally working.

My observations of the amateur kind....no offense intended.

It is interesting to think about how alike and yet how different siblings can be, and are. My family of 5 total children, were all approximately 3 years apart, all born to the same parents, living essentially the same life, experiencing essentially the same things, and yet we are so different, and yet so the same.

It speaks to the nature vs nurture question, and shows how much personality comes into play in shaping an individual. Of course, this is no scientific experiment, with no control group, just simple observation by me.... of us.

Judy, the oldest daughter, was always a sweet-natured little girl, very shy, very loving, very agreeable. This was her personality. She remained the same way (though, yes, she could have a temper) throughout her life. She was perhaps too agreeable, and didn't stick up for herself enough, though this is a legacy of the 40s and 50s I think, and probably continues today to a large degree, in which girsl and women are taught (by men) to defer to them, don't make waves, go with the flow.
So, being a shy, agreeable person to begin with made her even more agreeable. If that makes any sense.

Carolyn, the second daughter, has a personality that is a bit feistier, and she was a more outgoing, mind-of-her-own kind of girl, and her determination and strength has carried her through any challenges she's come across. She is independent, strong, intelligent (as we all are), and has guts. Oddly, though, all of us kids have a degree of shyness and low-self esteem, and I don't think she realizes how strong or wonderful she is, and none of us really grasp our own value.

We are all pretty attractive, we can say that now, looking back on photos of us when we were young, and remark that we used to think we were unattractive, and now, through the perspective of aging, we can see that we were indeed quite good looking, and we therefore did not see what was really there, but rather, we were seeing what we THOUGHT was the truth. Our parents were very attractive, and of course they had very cute kids!

Marsha, the third daughter, is also shy, rather more quiet than I am, but not as quiet as Judy was, but yet has the family shy gene. I always viewed Marsha as the pretty one. She is pretty, and was pretty, but as I said, never felt so. She is artistic, (actually we all are), but she probably exhibited her talent at the youngest age. She is a very loving, gentle person, and has the love of animals we all have, and a particular love of real breathing animals, and toy, collectible beautiful bears, animals and dolls. There is a comfort, I think, for most people, with the cuddliness of childhood stuffed toys, and the feeling that gives us of being cared for, of snuggling into bed at night with a soft toy, and using the imagination of a little child to believe those friends were/are real and love us back.

Me, the fourth daughter. My dad confessed to me that when I was born he said: "great, another damn girl". Not a nice thing to tell said girl, but he said the reason he told me is because as I grew into a toddler he regretted the remark, and said I was the cutest girl he'd ever seen. I still haven't forgotten that, though, that I would be a disappointment to a dad who dreamed of a boy. My personality is more of a combination of my sisters. I can be shy, I don't have the greatest self-esteem, and I definitely did not think I was attractive or valuable, and did not choose wisely when I was making life decisions about marriage and career. But I am strong, and I am feisty, and I have learned I have courage. I am artistic, as well, as you know, and can't imagine not creating something of somekind all the time. Books, paintings, pies. I am a spiritual thinker, being able to see the value in many beliefs and faiths, and tend to believe that there is a universal source of intelligence and energy, overseeing the universe/galaxies/infinities...whatever it is..... and that there were many men and women of intelligence and belief whose thoughts have value, have been many prophets from many places around the world, and all have similar ideals and lessons for us. My sisters have their views, and their beliefs, and if they wish to share, they may. It's not really important exactly what you believe, really, I just think that you listen, read, and then take in what makes sense, and what provides comfort and help when it is needed. Same for politics, I guess.

Eddie, the last kid, and finally the boy! He's got the shy gene, is extreeeemely intelligent, has lots and lots of interests, abilities, skills, talents, a wealth of knowledge of music history (American mostly, I guess, not sure if he's much into classical stuff), but if you want to know about jazz musicians of the 40s all you need to do is ask...he'll know the answer and probably have the actual music to play for you. He's generous and sweet, and is a fabulous dad, a loving husband, and a great brother to me.

All of us love old houses, old things, and especially enjoy living with/in them. We all enjoy animals, though some more than others, and some are cat people and some are dog people, and some love both.

It's just interesting, and those are some observations. Please, take no offense if I said anything that might have embarassed you, and add anything you wish, expound on, or disagree with the observations. Especially feel free to write about me...I'm curious as to what my siblings see in me.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Bragging Rights

My daughter, Jill, the future horse doc, maintained a 3.0 gradepoint average for her first year in vet school, while carrying..

get this....23 credits.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that!!

(I have a right to brag, I'm her mom)

Maybe

feeling a tiny bit better today. I'm going to check in with my medical team tomorrow and make sure nothing else is going on, I'll keep you posted.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

sorry

too sick to blog/email/telephone


antibiotics don't seem to be kicking in yet

Marsha, I know you called, but I don't have the energy to call you back


nap timie

Saturday, May 13, 2006

under the weather

The other day I was feeling kinda sick, and finally realized my sinus infection I've been battling was probably coming back, and on Friday I became so sick, sicker than in recent memory. Got my home nurse-lady to contact my doctor, who phoned in a script for delivery. Unfortunately pharmacy and insurance problems prevented that, but the pharmacy didn't notify me my meds were not on the way, so i called them, found out there was aproblem, got nurse-lady to call doc, to call pharm, and fortunately Julie-to-the Rescue was dropping by (wonderful neice who was visiting) and we raced to pharm just before close to get substitute antibiotics that the insurance WOULD pay for, then went on to dinner, and then off to bed for me.

Julie-to-the-Rescue had an all-day class here in Lansing, I slept all morning, then went to lunch with 4 of my 6 kids (you may need to do some addition) and was very sick, very weak, (but yet hungry), and could truly, barely walk, or stand up from dinner table. We went to Jill's, I napped. We came home, I chatted a while, and then napped. (eating once more in between) Got up at 8pm, ate again, watched some tv, and now feel as if I can barely keep my eyes open.

Of course, being sick, taking morphine and more morphine makes me weak, tired and sleepy, and I just hope that by tomorrow the newest wash of antibiotics will kill the little bacteriussss (what is plural, Jill?) that are screwing up my sinuses. I also had to rid my house of cut flowers, that, though beautiful, were wreaking havoc with my allergies/sinus problems. I just have to bear not having them in the house again, which is sad, but necessary.

I feel as if I'm rambling, and I probalby am, but it feels cathartic and my fingers are doing it all by themselves.

I have another Mother's Day celebration tomorrow at Jill's. She mentiond Chicken Satay, which sounds very yummy.
It will be late afternoon, so if I rest all day, I can do it.

And that's the way it is, today, Saturday, May 13, 2006. Goodnight and Sleep Tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

cruddy day

Nothing bad happened really, not medically, not physicallly.....just having my typical financial issues trying to make ends meet and screwing up and forgetting to write in my car insurance in my bank book, and then having Ebay debit my account unexpectedly, and having to deal with the fact that I'm always broke, and it makes me feel like a failure.

I shouldn't have to deal with this too. I have enough to deal with just dealing with cancer and the physical problems, the doctors, hospitals, and all the things that are so overwhelming anyway.

So that is my cruddy day.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Fat Ankles

That's the status of the evening.

My feet are swollen and I am fat. I almost don't recognize myself, but it's the steroids at work. A tradeoff, and I'm dealing with it just fine. I have to set my priorities and feeling better is more important than looking better, and besides, what's wrong with chubby? I like chubby people...I like thin people.... I like people who are good people and their weight is not important. So why should I care if the chubby person is me? I guess I don't. I have an excuse to be chubby, and it ain't all that bad. :)

Today was a very beautiful day. The air was so warm and the breeze was wonderful, and I enjoyed it as much as I could. Pogo and i took several nice "walks" (he walks, I ride) and he got to sniff all the smells he wanted, and he saw squirrels, ducks, birds, bikes, noisy lawn mowers, and cuckoo people. (though no one did anything particularly cuckoo today)

so the words of the day, are as the title says:

fat ankles

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Good day

Post treatment day went fine, I'm tired, but naps take care of that! I did miss out on going to Josh's for a celebration, but the family understands. I'm laying low this weekend, in hopes of making a trip to Saginaw and Bay City this week. I'm anxious to see my brother and sisters and their families. (Craig? up for it?)

Jill had bad news this weekend, and her sweet dog Ari and I share a battle. He's tough, though, and he and I are going to be buddies and tough it out together. I know he'll respond well to his treatment for his lymphoma and he is happy and fearless and I will learn from him.

I'm listening to Prairie Home Companion, and that's always soothing. Nice soothing Garrison voice. There's some real hillbilly song on right now, and the basic sound of that type of real music is fascinating. Imagining how folks sat together at night in their homes and entertained with their voices and instruments. I remember my Grandma Eathel (whose birthday it is today, by the way,having been born in 1886, 120 years ago!!....anyway...she said "Pa' played the fiddle. Just like Little House on the Prairie. So sweet.

That's all for tonight, I'm feeling alittle drowsy from a nap, and sentimental as well. Not a bad feeling all in all.

xxxooo

to everyone

Friday, May 05, 2006

treatment day

went fine, I'm home, exhausted and ready to punch the buttons on the remote control

I needen't have worried, I slept very well, and I'm ready to tackle the day. Pogo and I have already been out for his morning walk, I'm readying myself mentally and physically for a long day, but I truly feel well and energetic and ready to go.

It's going to be a beautiful, sunny spring day, and I noticed that not only are the crabapple trees in full bloom and full scent, the lilacs, too, are blooming. I forget how much earlier spring comes to southern Michigan as opposed to northern Michigan.

I hope to get to Traverse City in a couple weeks, and I'll see spring springing there when I do. I miss my adopted hometown, and I am looking forward to some views of he Bay.

http://sleepingbeardunes.com/photos.php

Thursday, May 04, 2006

sleep

Had some trouble sleeping last night, and after that happens, I'm afraid to go to bed in case it happens again. (at least I haven't had any nightmares lately!!!) (like I did a few weeks ago)

So here I sit, very tired, knowing I have a big day of travel and treatment tomorrow, and I am putting off going to bed.

well.....here goes....................................

Back in Feisty mode

I'm finding myself returning to a feisty determined mode of thinking, and probably having less pain, and feeling more energetic is part of the reason why I am.

I am starting my day with a good meditation, some simple stretches and generally filling my head with 'go get em' ideas, and that must be a good thing.

I'm ornery at times, but I think that's a good thing. Ornery just means I'm fighting mad, and fighting mad is fighting mode.

The people in my building are driving me nuts. As you may or may not know, it's a 10 story building with a lot of weirdos, and I just can't stand them. Some are nutty, literally, I think there are schizophrenic people here, they look like bag ladies, and at any given time I may enter the elevator to find 5 or 6 people talking, gyrating, pushing grocery carts, wheeling other carts or carriers of some kind, and there's literallly one lady who spins and weaves and speaks gibberish. I also had to endure standing next to 2 guys talking loudly about how they would shoot the cops first if they cops tried to shoot them. A more humorous event last Saturday, on a beautiful sunny day, was witnessing several people singing....accompanyied by guitar and harmonia...... singing...... Christmas Carols. Yep, I'm not kidding.

What I have had to come to. Living in f***ing public housing, after having worked my ass off all my life, and having the misfortune to lose everything due to the diagnosis of cancer.

My specific apartment is very nice. The building itself is nice. It is kept very clean, and the grounds are beautiful and immaculate. It's just the weirdos. (me included?) I am locked in here til October, and there is a nicer place nearer to Jill's house that I can move into...and the other day I called to check on my status there, because shortly after I moved here I was put on a hold list there....well, guess what....they have lost all record of my applying there, so I have to start all over again. After October I can move any time I want to. I just wish I could move to a normal apartment where you have your own entrance and exit, you are subjected to the comings and goings of 10 floors of people milling about.... people standing, sitting, smoking, loitering in front of the building watching your every move, commenting on your comings and goings, and generally staring at you. There are a handful of ok people, but truly, for the most part, they are weird, weird, weird.

WHY did this have to happen???? UGHHHHH!!!!!!

(here the ornery coming out?)

ok, so tomorrow is Alimta day, and I'm up for it.
right.