Thursday, February 02, 2006

not so easy

to be the patient. When one has an "incurable" illness, one of the most difficult things to do is keep your friends and family from feeling too sad. I suspect people will say it isn't my job to do that. Nevertheless, to see how the people who love me worry and feel sad is very, very difficult. I want to ease them and say 'I'm alright'...so they don't worry so much.

I've been on the other side of it. The losses of my father, mother and sister all to cancer gives me an unwanted perspective from both sides. I remember the utter despair I felt at my sister's passing. I was useless. I sat like a lump and couldn't think of any of the right things to say, and I was of little help. Same when my mom was ill. I couldn't move. I sat in a chair and watched while others hustled, because I was frozen in sorrow.

I'm so sorry, my wonderful family and friends that you have to bear witness to my struggles. Thank you all for being here for me.